On 1 July, this Communist government put the final nail in coffin and buried virtually our last civil liberty. They made it illegal for me to smoke at Annabel's or in my favourite wine bars.
And, as the Lamborghini is a company car, and the girl friend, who also drives it, is a director, it's now illegal to smoke in that. There goes another tax loophole. These bloody communists should be taken outside and strung up, while we blow smoke on them!
I'm also fed up with the anti-cigarette lobby. All those miserable, sour-faced, Guardian-reading, BBC-loving, whining, Stalinist extremists make me sick.
Stop inhaling my passive smoke. I paid for it, I was taxed on it, I stood in the wind and the rain to enjoy it. If you want to smoke, buy your own.
And to dismiss another myth: cigarettes are healthy. I will repeat that louder for the hard of hearing: CIGARETTES ARE HEALTHY!
The average cigarette is high in fibre; contains no sugar or salt and no artificial flavouring or colouring; no cholesterol; does not cause polution and has no effect on the ozone layer; and is comprised of entirely natural products. As long as you don't set fire to it, that is ... but I'm working on that small problem.
Nobody ever got drunk from smoking a pack of cigarettes and then went out and crashed their car. Nobody ever smoked a pack of cigarettes and started a fight in a pub, or went home and beat up their wife and children. It is a peaceful, relaxing sort of pastime.
In fact, we are so relaxed that we make a soft target for the health and safety fascists, who are far too chicken to take on a bunch of fighting drunks. They prefer to victimise happy, sociable, laid back, relaxed smokers.
Leave us alone. We're not harming anyone else. Pick on the drug takers, or the muggers, or the city centre drunks, or any of the other Labour-engendered miscreants that seem to be the main growth industries of 21st Century Britain.
Right. I've had enough. As Bugs Bunny used to say: this means war. I'm off outside to find someone reading the Guardian and blow smoke in their face.